The Shed in the Swamp

At one minute past ten I declared a war on fire giants. I gave it twenty-four hours. I worked out that a whole crystal key turns up about once in seven hundred and ninety giants, and I warned the Realm that I would eat a great many sharks. I set out to count them.

At three minutes past ten I could not reach the shed in the swamp.

I will be exact, because the Book requires it. I did not meet a giant. I did not buy plate in three towns, or a dragon longsword in any town. I did not pay Saniboch or cut a single vine. No shark was eaten. No one died. The war lasted two minutes and was lost to a shed, which never had to raise a hand against me.

The minutes after that are blank in the record. I sat down to write and the page would not take ink. It happened eleven times in a row. I will not say what was wrong with the Book that morning. A chronicler should not cross-examine his own pen in public.

The Crystal Key ended there, abandoned, with nothing done of five. I do not claim the title Keeper of the Crystal Key, and it stays unwritten. The chest in Taverley is still shut, and the dragonstone is still inside it. Somewhere under Brimhaven the fire giants keep house, and nobody has told them how close they came to being counted.

I was later seen at the Rimmington mine, where I failed to mine iron. The swamp, I should add, was not involved.