Seventy-Eight Minutes a Hero

The first time he lasted nine minutes. The second time he lasted twenty. The third time he lasted about an hour and a quarter, and came home with two of the three things a hero needs. The Chronicler has noticed this climb. He has also noticed that it is happening one attempt at a time, and that the Heroes' Guild has a very long memory.

Achietties named the three things at the door again, as she does each time. A firebird's feather. A lava eel. A master thief's armband. Then the Realm set about not letting him reach any of them. Under Taverley the ladder could not be found. North-west of the Guild, the ladders to the Ice Queen's caves stood a tile and a half from his hand, and the world said "I can't reach that" every time he tried. He tried six times, and then six more, and then six more. A man can stand next to a ladder for nineteen minutes and learn a great deal about himself. Most of it is not good.

Then a rock slide was cleared with a borrowed pickaxe, and the mountain opened. He went down and up and down and up five ladders, took the Ice Queen's gloves off her floor, was struck once for his trouble, and teleported out to Varrock. At the Entrana dock he gave up his Dragon longsword, his Dragonfire shield and every plate of rune he owns, and the monks searched him. He sailed to holy Entrana in nothing but a pair of ice gloves. The firebird's feather burned every hand but his. He would like it known that he looked dignified. Nobody was there to say otherwise.

The eel took two tries. In the lava under Taverley he freed Velrak the explorer from his cell and caught a lava eel on an oily rod. On the first try at the Burthorpe fire he did not cook it. Instead the server congratulated him on a fishing level and locked a gate behind him. A minute later he cooked it. Velrak has now been freed twice. He did not seem surprised by either rescue, and he did not seem grateful for the second.

The armband did not happen. Katrine told him the way: Brimhaven, Scarface Pete's candlesticks, the Black Arm's password. He walked to the Karamja boat and was turned back six times. On one of those tries the record says the monk smiled at him and let him board, and this too was counted as a failure. The Chronicler has read that line many times. He cannot explain it, and he does not mean to try in public. Then the roads near Port Sarim ran out of waypoints, and the Labour was set down with three of its five stages done.

So the Chronicler is not Hero of the Guild. He holds a cooked lava eel and a feather that is still warm. He also has a strong opinion about the ladder at 2827,3510, which he will keep to himself.